what is a facilitator, anyways?

Don’t let this smile fool you - I’ve been known to make CEOs cry.

It started off like any other executive team dinner. Ten men in suits hiding behind cocktails, awkward small talk, phones on the table. The whole reason for being there was to bond, but of course no one would ever explicitly say so, nor would anyone initiate actual bonding. That’s what the alcohol was for, right?

I sensed the potential for more authenticity and connection, but no one on the team was positioned to disrupt the status quo. They were in too deep, and there were too many other priorities demanding their attention. Someone from the outside was better suited to shake things up. As the facilitator who’d flown in to support them with change management, I knew I held the key. The CEO had been conspicuously skeptical about the value of my “touchy feely” work, so it was not without a bit of imposter syndrome that, like a friendly missile, I decided to disrupt. 

“Gentlemen, there are two way this night can go,” I said, dinging my glass with a fork to get their attention. “We can keep doing what we’re doing, chatting with the person next to us, or we can reign it in and have one conversation, which I can initiate. What do you say?”

Silence. Narrowing his eyes at me with suspicious amusement, the CEO finally raised his martini glass and proclaimed, “What the hell, let’s go with door number 2!” 

I introduced a simple conversational framework for sharing personal triumphs, challenges and hopes for the future. What happened next was a totally unexpected evening of storytelling, laughter, tears, and even - no joke - a group hug.

As we left the restaurant, the CEO pulled me aside and said with sincerity, “I get it now. I understand what you do. Thank you.” My heart melted. I had never felt so seen.

Here’s a video of the full story. 

The transformation I witnessed and the recognition I received that night began to dissolve my imposter syndrome. I started to believe more deeply in the value of my work and step more fully into who I am and what I do.

“So, what do you do?” 

Ever heard that one? I struggled for many years to answer it concisely. It’s taken me a long time to settle on the right word that most accurately describes the work that I do. It’s a word I’ve always known, but the more I get to know it and live it, the more I’ve come to own it.

I am a facilitator.

What is a facilitator, anyways? 

A facilitator is a person who creates connection. 

Someone who has enough distance from a system to see distinctly and then bring together the sum of its parts in a new and intentional way. Someone who, through their presence and actions, serves to initiate more wholeness.

Facilitators come in many forms. 

My friend Julie, in a rebellion against waste, intercepts almost-expired food that people order from a fancy online grocery store from being thrown out and delivers it to food pantries around the Bay Area - kind of like Robin Hood. She’s a facilitator of food recovery, connecting food that’s about to go to waste with people who are hungry.

My sister, Molly, is studying to be a postpartum doula. She and her peers help women and families connect with their new babies and roles as mothers with as much ease as possible. They are facilitators of family support.

As a professional facilitator in the business + learning and development world, I bring leaders and teams together to create authentic human connection in the workplace, a system that’s central to people’s lives and often fraught with fear and self-protection.

I think of facilitators as the conductors of invisible symphonies. 

The players may not be able to see or hear their instruments, but they can feel some kind of transformation occurring within and around them. The facilitators are the guides at the front of the room who serve purely to bring out the best in those players.

Facilitation tends to be an extremely gratifying line of work because, as a facilitator, you get to make a living by creating meaningful connections in a field you’re passionate about.

As fulfilling as it is to be a facilitator, we never seem to hear children saying, “I want to be a facilitator when I grow up!”  It doesn’t necessarily rise to the surface when one thinks about a profession in the same way that a lawyer, doctor, or engineer might. Facilitation is a more obscure, emergent career path.

“You don’t know it exists until you find yourself doing it,” Molly told me recently. Spot on.

So how does one become a facilitator?

Here’s my facilitator origin story.

I was introduced to the world of facilitation by my mother, Cathy, who ran a small business that created public health awareness campaigns to bring about healthy behavior change in targeted communities. The research that informed these campaigns came from surveys, interviews and focus groups. 

The summer after my sophomore year of college, my mom hired me as an intern and trained me to conduct focus groups. One of my first projects was a campaign to increase fruit & vegetable consumption in food deserts around the state of Texas. She taught me facilitation basics, such as how to frame group meetings, acknowledge people by saying their names and making eye contact, and ensuring everyone’s voice is heard.

I’ll never forget the day she set me loose to facilitate a focus group on my own. She watched through the two-way glass as I led a group of 12 adolescent boys through a discussion about their relationship to fruits and vegetables. 

Following her instructions, I opened by acknowledging anonymity and explaining that we’d be recording the session so that I could go back and listen later when it was time to write a report, and I lightheartedly acknowledged the two-way glass -- which looked suspiciously like a mirror -- by saying, “If you’re wondering if we’re being watched, we are. But don’t worry, it’s just my mom! And she’s watching me, not you.”  

I remember getting flustered when one kid dominated the conversation. I could feel my mother’s eyes following my every move through the glass; I envisioned her pen moving across the legal pad as she took notes on my performance for later feedback. This both comforted and rattled me. Her watchful, caring presence stretched my comfort zone and helped me grow.

My mom was (and still is) a wonderful teacher. I feel so lucky that I learned how to facilitate under her direct and encouraging guidance. I called her “Cathy” around the office but I always felt a mother’s love shining through.

As time went by, I channeled, expanded and refined all the facilitation skills she taught me as I began guiding groups in a wide variety of activities and contexts, from teaching yoga classes to hosting dinner parties to leading team meetings for growing startups. 

Nearly 15 years later, when I found myself leading a team of corporate facilitators, it became clear to me that my real passion was not, in fact, leading teams, but guiding groups — being a facilitator.

Nowadays, facilitation is the main dish on my plate, and it’s absolutely delicious. It tastes good because, from my perspective, being a facilitator means serving as a conduit for connection and transformation. For me, facilitation is the way I live my life purpose.

If you’re a facilitator, I’d love to hear your story, too.

I’m starting a project to to hear and share the stories and perspectives of facilitators across disciplines. If you are a facilitator and you’re interested in learning more, sign up to get involved!